{raw}

I had the most amazing conversation with The Marine two nights ago. Somewhere in the middle of it he looked at me and said something similar to, “We always joke about me buying damaged goods. But you did, too. And the point is what we do with each other in our time together, to get through the damage.”

He is pretty extremely amazing. (Boys can’t be pretty, says the voice of my son in my head.)

It’s no joke that I’m “damaged”. Well, it IS a joke.  But, it also has some validity.  I’ve been through a lot of stuff that has left me in a really odd emotional/spiritual state, and it really takes a special person to see through that and love me anyway. (No. Really. Trust me. He’s the only human alive that has seen the yucky parts and still loves me tenderly anyway.)

And truly, it’s no joke that he’s “damaged” as well. He’s lived a life full of twists and turns, and done and saw things most people can’t even imagine, and it makes him a bit quirky. (Take, for instance, the hug he gave me in the dining room yesterday and when he began to goof around, twisting my body and my neck in opposite directions, he stated simply with a laugh, “I’m practicing killing.” RELAX FOLKS! This is The Marine’s idea of a joke, and we both laughed at it.)

Damaged goods, as far as I can tell, aren’t exactly called by that label in the Bible. In fact, 4 women that the world would consider quite “damaged” are listed in Christ’s genealogy in Matthew 1:1-17: Tamar, a non-Jew, adulteress, and prostitute; Rahab, a professional prostitute; Ruth, of the cursed people of Moab; and Bathsheba, who committed adultery which paved the way for her husband’s murder. That women were listed in this genealogy is amazing enough; that they were THIS type of women is something even more amazing.

As I read this morning, these women’s names were gentle reminders of the beauty of being “damaged goods”. Yes, I’ve been through some ugly stuff. But, that doesn’t separate me further from the Creator of the universe. In fact, He loved women even more messed up than I am enough to draw His Son’s lineage from them!

Allowing myself to be completely raw in front of my husband for the past 4 years has continued to open the doors of my heart to allow me to be the same in front of other people. Accepting where I’ve been, complete with it’s ugliness and frustration and heart break and questions, allows for a beauty in healing. Knowing that God put women like me into the center of the spotlight encourages me to continually use the path I’ve been on to help others get through their own. The truth is: through my brokenness, allowing the rawness to show through, is as if being given beauty for ashes.

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4 thoughts on “{raw}

  1. Meg… This was great and I pray that you will be raw in front of me… I know that we have come through some hard times, but I AM PROUD of you and the WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL women, wife, and mother you are today… You ARE the greatest big sis ANYONE could ask for… Thank you for showing me continuely that it is okay to be who you are… I LOVE YOU!

  2. As always…..you bring tears to my eyes. I too am severly damaged!! Well…I was. And then I got back with the only man in the world I can “be myself’ with. I did a lot of acting and pretending in the relationships I was in, waiting for us to be together forever. I don’t have to pretend and act older than I am, wear dresses and have my hair done every week, wear jeans and cowboy boots and a motorcycle jacket….those are just a couple. The moment Jack and I got back together, I breathed a sigh of relief and said, “I can be myself again!” Oh I still have some scars, but….because of Jack, I am able to live with them.
    Thanks for sharing your life with us.
    Love ya!

  3. Hi Megan,
    You might remember me from MCS. I was two grades below you, in Chris’ class, to be exact. I wasn’t terribly memorable in those days, but at least we both have joy of parents with a good taste in names. 🙂

    I have seen your Facebook posts from time to time and read a couple of your blogs. There is something about your spirit that draws me, and I think part of it is how real you are. I work for a Christian company in California, and I come across a huge variety of people. Some of them are more broken than you can imagine, others operate under the delusion that they’ve got it figured out. All too rarely do we come across people who know this is a messy, unpredictable, contradictory, joyous and bewilderingly painful life, and refuse to relegate God to one corner or the other. Based on what you have shared, you’ve been “drug through a rat hole backwards” as we say, and you’ve come out the other end with dignity, purpose, and determination to see God in the process. I want to honor you for that. Having had some of my own struggles to face and all the baggage that goes with it, I know that where you are has not been easily reached. I know there are still more questions, and there probably will always be so. But our God is a God of process, and He has used a whole lot of messy people all throughout history. So, while I know, as do you, I’m sure, that a righteous lifestyle is still our goal, the fact that you see beauty in the midst of the mess is a magnificent treasure all in itself.

    I hope that as you continue the journey that you will be blessed to see the treasures God is still waiting to unpack in you. There are things you have that no-one else does, and some of the fires you’ve endured have forged a beautiful setting for the gemstones inside you.

    So, even though I don’t “know” you in person, I know something of what you have shared, and have great respect for those who are big enough to grapple with life and not force God out or make Him fit in a box.

    Keep on forging ahead!

    Megan Caldecourt

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